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  #1  
Old August 18th, 2013, 16:06
Coopergirl1803 Coopergirl1803 is offline
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Default Lost my mum aged 42

Hi,

So I signed upto this site because everyone on here seemed to know something of what I am feeling.
7 weeks ago I lost my mum. It was all very sudden she had no illness, woke up one Tuesday morning absolutely fine, went to work, fainted and that was that, she had had a bleed on the brain and there was nothing they could do, by Wednesday tea time they had pronounced her dead. We made the family decision to donate her organs, meaning that when we said goodbye to her she was still hooked upto the life support machine so they could keep her organs going ready for transplant, I feel like I left her alone to die, I feel like I should have been there even though she wasn't alive any more and it was the machine doing it all.
Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing and for carrying on, I feel glad that she didn't know anything about what happened and felt no pain. Most of all I feel confused and I don't think it has quite sunk in yet that she wont walk through the door, none of it seems real.
How did you guys get through it?

Sorry if that was totally confusing.
xx
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  #2  
Old August 18th, 2013, 19:25
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Coopergirl1803, I am sorry for your loss of Mom, and welcome you to the forum, both at the same time. This is a sad place and also a supportive place, to bring your sorrow and confusion. Several weeks past Mom's death is early days yet. You've a way to go through your grief to get back to the light.

I guess many of us go through the waiting stage waiting for the sound of the key in the lock, the sound we'll not hear again.

I lost my Mom almost three years ago, so I know the sadness of losing a mother. I looked after my Mom for three years during our journey through Mom's Alzheimer's disease. It was a sorrowful and slow leave-taking for us. For you, the loss was sudden, so it will take a while to believe it's real.

It must have been very hard for you to walk away from Mom while she was still on life support. And you made a difficult decision to donate her organs, so that others might go on living.

The guilt you feel is normal. You go on, you see the sunshine another day, and you feel your Mom doesn't. Yet she deserves to see you happy.

How do we get through it, you ask? One day, one minute, at a time. It seems you have family to help you through, so that's good. If you can talk about your mother with each other, that will help. Talk about the good times.

Some of us believe that those who've gone on ahead can hear us still, so tell your Mom you miss her, tell her what she's done for you and for others that you are thankful for. Tell her you won't forget her. Trust that she is watching over you and let her know you will be all right. And believe your Mom is all right now, too.

I'm sure others will respond to your message, too. You and your family are in my thoughts.
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  #3  
Old August 20th, 2013, 08:00
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
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Shalom in Yeshua Coopergirl1803 and welcome to the forum.

Here you will find people who all have one thing in common. The loss of a loved one. Here you can talk about your feelings and the way you actually feel inside rather than the pubic face you show to others. It is totally anonymous so you can be honest without the worry of meeting anyone.

My sister has already commented that talking to your mum will help you, but it is also very important to share your feelings with you family and friends. If you cannot do this then come and share your feelings with us.

We are all here to help and offer you support.
May God bless you
Tom
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  #4  
Old August 25th, 2013, 13:29
Coopergirl1803 Coopergirl1803 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by j's daughter View Post
Coopergirl1803, I am sorry for your loss of Mom, and welcome you to the forum, both at the same time. This is a sad place and also a supportive place, to bring your sorrow and confusion. Several weeks past Mom's death is early days yet. You've a way to go through your grief to get back to the light.

I guess many of us go through the waiting stage waiting for the sound of the key in the lock, the sound we'll not hear again.

I lost my Mom almost three years ago, so I know the sadness of losing a mother. I looked after my Mom for three years during our journey through Mom's Alzheimer's disease. It was a sorrowful and slow leave-taking for us. For you, the loss was sudden, so it will take a while to believe it's real.

It must have been very hard for you to walk away from Mom while she was still on life support. And you made a difficult decision to donate her organs, so that others might go on living.

The guilt you feel is normal. You go on, you see the sunshine another day, and you feel your Mom doesn't. Yet she deserves to see you happy.

How do we get through it, you ask? One day, one minute, at a time. It seems you have family to help you through, so that's good. If you can talk about your mother with each other, that will help. Talk about the good times.

Some of us believe that those who've gone on ahead can hear us still, so tell your Mom you miss her, tell her what she's done for you and for others that you are thankful for. Tell her you won't forget her. Trust that she is watching over you and let her know you will be all right. And believe your Mom is all right now, too.

I'm sure others will respond to your message, too. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Thank you for your reply, I guess your right with it being such early days, I think one of the hardest things to get my head around is how young she was, 42 is no age really and she passed away on her birthday, she had so much planned and now everything has changed.
I took your advice and have been talking to her, sometimes I feel a little crazy as the sensible side of me says she cant hear us, her ashes are in the casket on the side, but my heart knows that she can and is watching down.
Still waiting for it to get easier, I find it getting harder and harder each day, more and more like im sinking into a hole with no way out.
I am sorry to hear about your mum, it must have been awful to watch her become worse, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
xx
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  #5  
Old August 25th, 2013, 15:00
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Hi Coopergirl1803,

In my own personal experience, things had to get worse before they got better. The "missing" was acutely painful for many months after my Mom died. The emptiness felt heavier. Nights seemed darker, the apartment seemed to echo for a very long time. Even our cat missed my Mom - I would come home from work to find the cat hiding under the cover on a chair or under the blankets on the bed. I installed timers on the living-room lights, and lights coming on early afternoon helped the cat, at least.

You mention you're waiting for it to get easier. I can promise you it will, but yes, it will take a very long time for the ache to ease.

People talk about "the year of firsts" as being a difficult time. First birthday without Mom, first Christmas, first ... anything. For me the second year was harder than the first. I think in the second year, I was finally resigned to the idea that my Mom wouldn't be coming home, I wouldn't be hearing her key in the lock again. I think I cried more during the second year than the first.

Yes, I agree, losing your Mom when she was 42 is a blow. My Mom was 84, and I know how much I ached to lose her even at that age. 42 is even harder, I think.

I read somewhere, and you and I both understand the words: The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.

Hold on. Cry when you must, keep talking to your Mom. In time, the ache will begin to ease.
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  #6  
Old April 13th, 2014, 12:28
SilverVoice SilverVoice is offline
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Warmest greetings (((((((Coopergirl1803))))))),

First of all, I am very sorry for the physical passing of your dear Mother. I know what a totally devastating thing this can be and my heart is with you.

People often mistakenly say that as time goes on, those who have lost a loved one will gradually forget only they don't. They never do and truly never can. That is why I completely detest with a purple passion the word "closure." You can't close that chapter in your life as you can a door. A Mother is the most important person in one's life since it is she who brings you into the world and carries you right under her heart for nine months and loves you, nourishes you as an infant, and cares for you in a way a dad never could, close as he might be as well. She is there for you as a confidant, an adviser, a supporter and a best friend. And when she is no longer around and able to do that, you feel like you are beside yourself and rightfully so. No one can criticize you for that because each person has their own way of grieving and mourning and what may take less time for some people does not for many others.

What is important is to always remember her in your prayers as prayers are received by God in the great "light beyond" and will help those whom we love to elevate into the higher realms of God's light. We must never forget them.

As to your feeling guilty about not fully being able to be there, you need not be. It is said that a person even though they may be in a comatose state is nevertheless fully aware of their surroundings and is often disconnected from their physical body and is free to roam in spirit. Therefore, I think it is safe to say that she knew what you were going through and would not hold you accountable for not being there. And about leaving her alone while on the machines in preparation for her transition from this life to the next, again you must not blame yourself for that as her donated organs will surely bring relief and new life to others which she very well could have much appreciated! It is not possible to be everywhere at once but the time spent with a loved one is one they are fully aware of and can totally appreciate and forever cherish.

Yes, it is difficult to move on after such a tragic experience as losing one's Mother but it is a fact of life that from the moment we are born into this world the clock starts ticking and we have only so much time here before we return to our true home. But once returning, there is no more pain, no more illness, no more sorrow, no more earthly cares. That will all be wiped away and there will only be joy and happiness in a new dimension where pain, suffering, sorrow, illness, anger, worry and many other things of this world do no longer exist. And please know that we will all once again be with our loved ones who have passed into spirit. We will join them at our appointed time and there will be great celebration!

May peace be with you always and many blessings as you continue with your life. I am with you and will be praying for you, dearest one.
__________________
A loved one who means so much to you never truly "dies." They simply move from their physical body to their Spiritual body and are with you always in spirit! -- SilverVoice

Last edited by SilverVoice : April 13th, 2014 at 13:11.
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