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  #1  
Old April 20th, 2015, 08:38
annabelly annabelly is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 4
Default struggling to cope after my dads death

Hi there, im new to all this.....
not sure where to start.....
im anna 29 years old 2 daughters 6 & 11years old.
my dad had a bad leg from march last year, been back and forth to the doctors, in the end they said he had the start of arthritis.
22nd of october 2014, last year, is when my life got turned upside down, the doctor said he had lung cancer and it had spread to his kidney, pelvis, his leg, adrenal glands, throat and brain!
couldnt believe what I had just heard....what was going on!
he had radiotherapy and I had to shave his hair off, just seeing my dad all fragile and he then started to look poorly!
He became very ill on the 5th of december 2014 and ended up in hospital, he knew he was dying..he told me....I didnt want to leave his side, he took his last breath on the 11th of december....I feel robbed, hurt, angry, so sad, my heart hurts so much!!
I wanted to see him at the chapel of rest but changed my mind last minute & couldnt physically see him as they said he dont look like him.
but I sat with his coffin, it felt so cold...I screamed for him....thats all I think about, picturing my dad IN a coffin...reliving him passing away, him turning yellow & blue, the death rattle!
I struggle to get these images out of my head.
im bottling things up for my girls, I dont want them seeing me cry all the time....my daughter said the other day that she is forgetting what grandad looks like, that makes me so so sad!
im hoping there is someone I can talk to on here?

anna x
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  #2  
Old April 20th, 2015, 19:06
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi anna i am so sorry for your dads passing when we have watched a loved one so ill that image stays in our mind and we go over and over the terrible images as if they are still suffering but your dad is at peace he is without pain and the love will always be felt it binds you both together for eternity It will take some time for the dreadful memories of the illness and his passing not to consume your mind There are stages to grief that we all have to go through and sadly there is no easy path it does take time it's gradually when we come to accept our loss we just remember all those wonderful memories we shared and the intense pain will begin to fade. It's normal to feel anger helpless and consumed with sadness please read some of the threads on here it will help you understand your feelings Don't bottle up the tears by putting on a brave face for your children i know they are young but they are now learning about compassion which is like a gift from your dad because of him they will have more love and understanding to others in their loss as they go through their life at the moment they need to share their sadness with you Try to find ways to share the grief with them talk and do things together perhaps making memory books of photos and write about the special times they shared with him if you have a garden you could plant some flowers and have a memory patch there that you can all tend together I know it's very hard and i do understand all you are going through i send my love and a hug to say i care and you are in my thoughts xx
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  #3  
Old April 21st, 2015, 10:01
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default Iam very sorry to here of your loss Annabelly

Annabelly, please accept my condolences and sympathies on the loss of your dear dad. I agree what Hazel has said and I hope you would try to release some of your pain even a little at a time.. Your first step was coming here and posting on the forums. That alone will be a beginning step in your journey as this is a place of Kindred spirits. Who can feel and relate to your pain and sorrow. Writing here will also start to become a little bit of cathartic release for some of your pain as well.

I wish you peace for your broken heart.

Cal821
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Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #4  
Old April 22nd, 2015, 08:10
annabelly annabelly is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Thank you so so so much for writting back to me!
Its helped me alittle :-)
we have a special corner in the garden for my dad, their grandad.
I always find myself at his grave, I am having a ring done with his ashes to feel closer to him.
iv been to a medium....wow is all I can say!!
that has given me alot of comfort!
Nice to talk to people who have or are going thru it, as I find it hard to talk to my mum as dont want to upset her, and feel im grating on my friends and husband if i keep bringing my dad hp e.t.c

Anna x
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  #5  
Old April 22nd, 2015, 13:00
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi anna you don't talk to your mum ? thats a big mistake people make, no one talks as they are afraid of upsetting the other person and then everyone sits in their own sadness surrounded by people who don't talk. You must talk to your mum her loss is so great he was her husband and she has lost her love her life partner her world is upside down she needs that support more than anyone .Come to an understanding with her if either of you need to talk about him or how your coping you will reach out to one another whatever the time or place be there and let one another know that it's ok .I know if your not used to discussing feelings with someone it can be difficult to open up but once you start it will get easier believe me talking is the best way forward with coping with grief Your family and friends love you they know you need this time to talk constantly about your dad never feel your burdening them it's the best way of coping they will understand because they care .sending you my love xxx
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Last edited by hazelharris : April 22nd, 2015 at 13:11.
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  #6  
Old April 22nd, 2015, 13:36
annabelly annabelly is offline
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Sorry that must of sounded awful...lol
yes I talk to her, but shes a different person now....she snaps quickly...goes quiet e.t.c
I do talk to her and she talks to me we are so so close as a family, we all tell eachother everything!
but I can see she is hurting so I dont talk as I hate upsetting her.
she does the same with me and my sister and brother, she doesnt want to burden us, bless her!
which she isn't!
she is staying on her own tonight...first time since he died, have just got of the phone to her shes upset.
I cant imagine how she is feeling as she is grieving differently as us children....like you said its her best friend been together 40 years!
I would give anything to have dad back....just to go back to the time he was in hospital, yes he was ill...yes he was dying....but I just want to see him again, feel his skin...talk to him!
I feel robbed.........totally robbed! :'-(
xxx
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