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  #21  
Old February 16th, 2012, 07:53
Busie Busie is offline
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Default Losing my Mom

Hi, it's been 6 full months since my mom's gone. There are days when hope & faith make me believe it will be OK, i.e. it is OK and I go on and then there are days I just want to curl up and cry until I sleep because I miss her so so much, it pains right down my stomach. Yesterday I did not go to work as there were student protests at my work and this was my opportunity to go and visit their (both my parents) grave as they are buried together, I was scared at first as this was the first time I would did this on my own but as I drove closer to the Cemetery, I felt more brave that I thought. When I got there, I just broke down and cried, I cried like I had not cried before and I ended up spending a little more time than I had anticipated.

I didn't know I was going to be like that but am glad I did go and now I want to go to the hospital when she was in, the ward, the icu as I feel I need closure but I am afraid that I might breakdown and cry in front of who ever will be there.

I've been feeling more lonely as days go, I feel like I am not coping well. I am praying or rather I am communicating with God in prayer and at times I just sit in my bedroom and talk to Him as well as my mom which I think she can hear me (in her spirit form). I dreamt of her in the past 2-3 weeks and in my dream she tried to open her eyes and her mouth as if she wanted to say something but only a golden light kept coming out of her eyes and mouth and she could not open her eyes as the light was so bright it was like it was blinding her, then she smiled and said something but I could not hear her. The dream was so real that when I awoke I cried when I told my sister about. She comforted me but I just couldn't help but cry.

I know there are children who have lost parents when they are young and they go on with life even though it is painful but through the years, they heal. I feel like I am not grown up enough to be strong. How do I be strong, how do I not breakdown, how do I think of her and not cry, how do I think of her and not feel my body shake with sadness/grief as if I have a lump in my throat, how do I not hyperventilate everytime I feel sad, how do I not have the black rings I have around my eyes because I am trying to be a good mom & be strong for my son in order for him to continue with his life?

I know my parents are with God and I pray that the people who have lost their loved ones find peace in knowing that they are in a good place. It may take me longer to overcome this feeling but I will not stop asking God to help me and my family.

Stay blessed!
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  #22  
Old February 16th, 2012, 09:59
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Busie, and welcome back. In fact come back when ever you want too. You are just having a 'moment', recalling the loss of your parents and that's okay. Take as much time as you need. There is no time scale to follow, just do things on a day to day basis and what ever you need to do, do in your own time. Do not be ashamed of your emotions. If you want to revisit places do so, and your inner strength will emerge and shine through making you stronger.

You will be in my prayers this evening
May God bless you
Tom
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  #23  
Old February 16th, 2012, 11:10
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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  #24  
Old February 17th, 2012, 01:22
Busie Busie is offline
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Default Losimg my Mom (parents)

Hi J's daughter,

Thank you for giving me strength and knowing that I can be who I am anytime and for my son as well. I agree, if I do not feel like this sometimes then, I would not be a being.

It's just that I did not want people to think I am still not OK although I know I am not. When I go to places that she liked I sometimes smile and think of her. I love her, I miss her. I have moments when I feel her presence stronger than other times and then I find myself talking to her and yes I sometimes wish at that point in time that I could just see her, maybe I'd be happier but then I realise that I can't see her and maybe I am being impossible.

Festive season and days towards Christmas was difficult and we always set aside time like everyday for prayer and Christmas eve was no different but the only difference was I found myself the one opening the Bible and reading and having a Bible study and we sang and I could not even finish the song from the book, when we prayed, I could not stop the tears but I continued to pray for my family to find peace, for my parents' and my sister's souls to always be happy. Days leading up to New Year's eve were bad but New Year's evening even worse as I watched the world celebrating the coming of 2012, I could not stop myself I cried and that's when I did not care who was looking but when I looked up I found my sister's crying as well in rememberance of both my parents. It's even harder with our mom because she was the light towards living as normal a life and possible after our dad passed and she made sure she shopped with us for Christmas and New year celebrations. Now that she was gone I felt SO empty it was unbereable. I could see her in my mind sitting with us on the patio looking and happy at the world. Now I know how she felt as she made sure that we had a normal life after our dad passed away. I feel that with my son. Yes I sometimes used to see her sadness and I felt it for her. I know now that they are together in spirit.

My sister died before I was born, according to my mom, she was one month old after my mom's illness pregnant with her and giving birth to her. Mom pulled through and my sister did not. I always felt I had a connection with her even though I never knew her but I would dream of a beautiful girl and we'd be playing and we'd be happy. I understand that we had our parents all this time and now she has both of them with her in heaven. I know that I lost my parents and my mom was my pillar of strength, my everything. I miss not sleeping chatting with her until around 1.00am and we'd have tea/hot milk, we'd dream and plan together. I miss her so much.

Tom, I agree with you as well, I understand now that I will have these moments and that upon visiting the places my inner strength will emerge and I'll come out a better person for my son as well.

Thank you to both of you for letting me share my feelings, sadness, grief with you knowing that I will not be judged but I will be accepted for me and learn that I am a human being afterall.

Stay Blessed!!
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  #25  
Old February 17th, 2012, 19:49
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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  #26  
Old February 17th, 2012, 20:08
Unprepared Unprepared is offline
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Default I feel your pain too

I just lost my mom early this morning and it already hurts so much. It was so unexpected for me. I was in total denial she would pass on, fully believing God would heal her completely. I don't know what to think.
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  #27  
Old February 19th, 2012, 07:16
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Uprepared and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that your mum has just passed over into Sheol. Know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted.

May I suggest that you start a thread of your own, so that our other friends here in this forum may help you through the coming months. Keep your faith in a merciful God who will be healing her now!!

May God bless you
Tom
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  #28  
Old July 13th, 2012, 08:21
Busie Busie is offline
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Hi Friends

Today is 3 weeks to my Mom's passing & I have been wondering since the start of July, why my body feels weird, feels weak, feels tired and my tummy rumbling without any reason or sense, then, it hit me, that this is the month towards her days ending on earth. I miss her so much.

I recently got a place for myself and my son and it is amazing how things work out, 3 and half years ago, I wanted to move into this block of flats only to have my Mom asking me not to move & then she prayed with me, asking God to give me what I needed not what I wanted. I had just been made permanent at work and I discovered that I could buy a car but I needed a deposit of which I didn't have but through prayer, faith and trusting the power of God, He gave me what I and my family needed, a car, which was very very useful and still is. This car has seen my Mom going to church, has taken Mom to the doctors & hospitals and good times as well. Now that she is no longer on this earth, I found out that a flat is available for me (the same block of flats) near my sons' school (a walking distance), I can't help but believe that she is looking out for me and still praying with me to God Almighty that He gives me what I need not what I want. I miss her so much, her strength, faith and belief in God was amazing. She didn't want me moving and now things are looking up, although I am scared but I know she is my guiding Angel, holding my hand through life and that of my son & my family.

My worry is that my sister seems to think I am leaving her to face whatever she feels is out there, I've told and assured her that I am here, will always be here but I am growing up and my son needs me to be there for him as his Mom. I hope and trust that through prayers she will be ok. I see her lonely and angry more now than before, I know she thinks I am leaving her and worse during this time (towards my mom's passing).

How do I make her feel she is my sister, she is welcomed at my place, in my heart and in my life and that of my son. How do I make her understand that I am a grown woman who has a responsibility towards an innocent child who looks up to me to provide for him. How do I make her understand that I am not leaving her. I miss Mom as well, but I am accepting each day that she is not here physically but she will always be with me and us spiritually. J'daughter, you understand a mother and daughter bond and I appreciate your responses as they make me understand myself better and hopefully will make my sister/s understand themselves better.

Thank you Tom, for your prayers and understanding, thank you J's daughter for being in my shoes and making me understand that being me is acceptable. You guys, are amazing.

Take care of yourselves. Stay blessed.
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  #29  
Old July 13th, 2012, 09:03
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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  #30  
Old August 6th, 2012, 03:06
Busie Busie is offline
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Hello friends

Today being the 06th of August is exactly a year since my Mom left us. I went home over the weekend to get together with my two sisters, to remember her, pray and try to think of her in good times. Yes, I went home and yes we had a prayer and remembered her but the pain of realizing the moments that her soul was about to leave her body and reliving the days up to and today, it was hard, painful and I cried a lot. We ent to church yesterday and the agreement was that after church we would go to the grave site and say a prayer and leave some flowers but one of my sisters did not want to go to the grave and I did not want to force them. I went to buy grocery for dinner but found myself going to the grave with my son and I prayed although tears were not the main thing but a feeling of sadness was too much to take.

Today I came late to work I went to my place and did not feel like going to work but I did and I phoned work to tell them I was coming in late. I feel so tired, so lonely, I miss her so so so much. I can't imgaine what she went through. You mention that those who have left us, can hear us and we just need to talk to them, I do and yeas I feel better afterwards. I thank God for you my friends, for your support and the love you have shown in making me understand death and accepting that she is dead but is not gone out of my heart.

I miss a lot of things about her. Today I have written a little poem for her and stuck it under her picture, amazingly enough that was the last beautfiul pic she took in her nighty, sitting on the sofa and it is thee pic that shows her as I know her and remember her. I still feel pain though that nothing further could be done to stop her going, I wanted to tell her that we would take better care of her and that even if she turned a 100 yrs we would still take better care of her without any problem. I feel like if only I could see her just one more time and speak to her face to face because I have so much to ask and so much to tell her and I would rather see her to tell her and she could see my expression and I could see her expression in all that we would be talking about.

Home is home but her warmth is what I missed when I went home. I pray that when my time comes, it will be as dignified as hers, my mom was a lady in all that she did. I love her and miss her.

I know I will see her and dad and my other sister when my time is up.
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