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Old June 6th, 2014, 22:35
Tracie Tracie is offline
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Default Just lost my dad

Hi,
I'm new. I just lost my dad last Sunday. He had a hard life filled with many terrible people who used him in so many ways and just beat him down so badly. He developed a serious drinking problem that we thought would kill him. It turns out it may have been one of the people who he so generously always helped that used him killed him. This girlfriend had a drug addiction and was violent. This is still under investigation. To get to my point, During this last few years I could no longer get through to my dad. Between his drinking and his being to busy to help those in need he failed to acknowledge my wedding, and the birth of his 2 grandsons. No card, no call, no email just nothing. I sent cards and pictures etc. It broke my heart and made me so angry that I stopped talking to him. I told him he was too busy helping everyone else and had his face in the whiskey that he could have that but leave me out. I was angry and hurt that he would help these "friends" and drink himself into such a mess that he couldn't even send a card for a birthday holiday etc. now he has suddenly died. I feel so foolish and mad at myself. While everyone was beating him down and treating him poorly, I left his side. I have to attend his funeral this week. I don't know how I am going to make it and what to say to him. Not to mention whatever I say is too little too late. I can only think of him lying there dying not knowing how much I love him. He was my everything and best friend for 37 years. I should have continued to reach out and try instead of avoiding him. He was so thoughtful, generous loyal and giving to everyone and so special to me. He wasn't always an alcoholic that was only the last few years. He was an amazing dad until then. I never had a chance to say goodbye. Any thoughts on what to say to him and if or how I can forgive myself for what I did. He deserved better.
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Old June 7th, 2014, 20:02
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi Tracey i am so sorry for your grief and there is so much for you to deal with in this dreadful loss of your dad try and remember alcoholism is an addiction and an illness it's very sad your dad went this way was it triggered by something it didn't help having a partner that was also in this awful lifestyle it's a downhill spiral and you are no professional unfortunately nothing can be done to help unless the person really wants to change and asks for it and that rarely happens how much he loved you was never a consideration of course he loved you and he knew you loved him but he just couldn't help himself You have to find a way to forgive him and forgive yourself that you didn't have the answers that could have saved him all he did to himself was his choices not yours you loved him and painfully had to watch helpless it must have been dreadful i'm sorry but you have to put it behind you there is nothing you can do to change the past talk to him some say they can hear us in heaven it might help to write down all the feelings you have in a letter to him in a way it's like a release remember your dad for the way he was before when all was wonderful between you there are years of memories that he needs you to hold on to and remember him by you can never forget the last few years but think of them as an illness like any other and try to grieve for his passing and hopefully soon move on thinking of you and my heart goes out to you xx
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Old June 7th, 2014, 21:43
Tracie Tracie is offline
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Thank you for the thoughtful reply. It really helped to hear that. I plan to write a letter and give it to him that he can be cremated with. I have also printed some photos of his grandkids and my husband and I to put with him when I see him Wednesday before the cremation. I hope it helps. It will be hard to see him that way but I feel like I need to. Thank you again, your kind words made me feel a lot better.
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Old June 8th, 2014, 14:34
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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i'm glad to hear you are doing something positive tracey please come back and let us know how you are coping i will be here for you if you need a friend to listen and i really know how difficult it is to say goodbye to a loved one thinking of you xxHUGS xx
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