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  #11  
Old April 28th, 2012, 11:22
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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dipesh, I have read a few of your earlier posts. I, too, am glad you are doing well in your life.

You asked how to honour your father's memory. It seems you are doing that every day, by going on with your studies and by doing what your father would have wanted.

If you can't get "home" to Dad (that idea is so very broad, isn't it?) then I wonder if you can just sit quietly where you are, and remember your father, and think what he has given you that brings you to where you are now in your life, and honour his memory that way? You remember the day of his death - why not fill that day remembering and honouring his life? Do you have photos of him? Bring them out and build a story around each one.

I, personally, have also not visited the gravesite where both of my parents are now. Something tells me they are not there - instead, they are within me wherever I am. So I don't feel pulled to visit the cemetery. But I do remember their lives, their laughter, their influence on my life. I can do that every day, wherever I am. Such luxury does memory give us!

I celebrated what would have been my mother's 86th birthday this past March with coffee and cake, just as if she had been with me. I spent the time alone, choosing to not invite the sympathy or lack of understanding of friends.

I mark the day my Mom died with sadness and with memories. I will remember for the rest of my life every minute of that last day, my Mom's last moments on earth. But I choose instead to celebrate her life, celebrate the times she always enjoyed, celebrate the happy times.

I don't know if this helps. I hope it does. Maybe it helps more if we wrap ourselves in the comfort of good memories?

I'm glad to have met you here, dipesh747. We might be a world away in fact, but we share the pain of loss, and that brings us close in spirit.

What good memories do you have of your father, to bring to the day you celebrate his life?
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  #12  
Old April 29th, 2012, 04:59
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Dipesh, thanks for your kind comments.

I agree with J's Daughter. I think I would spend just a couple of minutes alone with your Dad (don't forget your mum too) and maybe just light a candle in honour of their memory. Have a little chat with them, then blow the candle out and get on with the day. They will be so proud of you.

May God bless you
Tom
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  #13  
Old April 29th, 2012, 13:04
dipesh747 dipesh747 is offline
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Thank you for your advise. It definitely helps, celebration of their life is a much better idea than fixating on their death.

I of course have good memories, but as my father will ill for 5 years before he died a lot of the memories are not so good. Before he got ill, he worked away a lot, so I didn't see a lot of him. He had to do it though, as he had to support the whole family.

Something I will always remember was when I was 14 my dad had multiple organ system failure, and was admitted to London chest hospital. We were told that night (basically) to say our good byes as he would most likely not make it through the night. However, two weeks later, he was still alive. I remember when I was saw him awake after this 2 weeks, it wasn't much, but he was just sat there with his eyes open. He couldn't communicate with us, but I just couldn't believe he had finally awoken. It isn't the happiest memory, but in a way it was, because up to that point we thought he was all but dead, and then suddenly he wasn't.

I remember the highs and the lows of him recovering, when he was first able to come home, when he was first able to walk. We actually went to Germany so he could have stem cell transplant with the cells in his heart. That most definitely prolonged his life, and although it didn't cure his problems, it certainly gave him a few extra years.

He was always trying to cling on to life, he always fought as hard as he could, I think it was so he could make sure me and my sisters and my brother would be ok.

I will always be thankful we got those extra few years with him, I feel it gave me the opportunity to build a stronger relationship with him. I remember when I came home after a night out (quite drunk) and he was still awake and we sat up for hours talking, mostly about his life, and how he got to where he was today. Now, we've never had that sort of relationship really, so it was nice to be able to communicate on that level. I found out a lot of things I never knew about him, e.g. I never knew that him and my mother got married because it was arranged. Also found out a lot of funny stories about him being in med-school. He worked extremely hard to be able to get a job in UK.

It is due to all his hard work that my sisters and I were given the opportunities we've had. I will always be grateful for that.

It's been nice writing this down, its a lot easier to understand your feelings when writing than it is just thinking about something - I've never done it before really. I think I might write a letter to my parents tomorrow.
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  #14  
Old April 29th, 2012, 14:15
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Excellent, dipesh! I agree with writing our feelings out, and writing to those who have gone on ahead of us. For months after my Mom's death I took my cup of tea or coffee, sat with a photo of my Mom, and talked to her and/or wrote to her. I asked questions, and waited to hear Mom's answers. I know realistically I was thinking what she would have answered, but it was comforting to just spend time thinking about my Mom.

I write less often now. I don't have the same need for every-day communication as I did at first, but over a year after my Mom died, I still miss her, of course, and still sit most evenings for a few minutes just remembering. I've begun to build a life, as you have, going on with your studies. The best we can do to honour our parents (and others we cared about who are now gone) is to be the very best we can be in our chosen path.

I know I will always be my mother's daughter, and you will always be your father's child. Death does not change the relationship. By all means, write your feelings down, have a quiet word with your Dad and trust that he will know your heart.

They are no longer in our view, but they are not lost to us, are they? We carry our parents in our hearts and in our memories. Don't know about anyone else, but I find that a comfort! I like Tom's suggestion, to light a candle, remember your Dad, and then move back into your life.

One other thing I did, many months ago when the weather here turned nice enough for me to be out walking, was to get a locket and put my Mom's picture inside. When I go out, I can take my Mom with me everywhere I go, inside the locket I wear. No one else needs to see it, or know why I wear that piece of jewellery all the time, but like the time I spend each evening, it's a comfort to me to be able to "take Mom along" on my walks. Just another thought for you...
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  #15  
Old April 29th, 2012, 17:51
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Dipesh, so very well done for sharing that with us. It brought back so many memories for me and my dad.

I didn't really know my dad until he was diagnosed with cancer. The reason for that was he worked six and a half days a week to provide for his family. He had left for work by the time I woke up and then when he came in at 6pm he was tired and fell asleep after his meal.

He went to a Cancer hospital which was some distance away. I didn't and still don't like going into hospitals, but because I had to travel so far I spent some time extra time with him, and that is how I discovered what a wonderful man he was. He was an un-assuming man who was second wave on Sword Beach at the d-day landings. I discovered that I had my own personal hero, and had he not survived by the grace of God, I would not have been here.

The film Schindler's List is well known and a wonderful film for showing that if you save one man you save generations, upon generations! God saved me, through my dad surviving the horrors of war.

Depesh without you dad and mum you would not have been here to share this wonderful message about their lives. You are right to honour them. More importantly I believe you should write down what you dad told you so that you can pass it on to your children and they can pass it onto their children to show how wonderful their forefathers were.

As you can see I am a little emotional tonight, but I share this with joy!!

May God bless you
Tom
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  #16  
Old April 29th, 2012, 17:57
gumek gumek is offline
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Hello Dipesh, I have been reading your story love and may I say to you how very sorry I am for the loss of your mum and your dad. You and your siblings have had a lot to cope with, someone so young.The dates tell me that it is 2years since your dad passed and you have suffered the panic attacks and all the pain of loss. It does seem that though you have been on a very painful journey you are now getting stronger, you may not have arrived yet but your moving forward. I lost my lovely dad, oh some 24 years ago now, he was 58 Years old and he died from stage 4 cancer. MY mum and we 6 kids were devisted, daddy was our hero, and recently my hubby passed, also cancer and while I was missing him so much one day, you know cry cry cry, I suddenly missed my daddy and my mum. mummy went home 4 years ago, she was 84 yrs old. The reason I'm sharing all this love is that memories of our dear loves will come to us and they will hurt us even though we have moved on so to speak and if it helps, then keep on talking to those who know what your been through and what yr going through, here on the forum. Some of us have sobbed together and laughed together. I thought that the idea of writing it all down was a good un, I wrote letters, one to Giuliano and one to God, I said all that I needed to say. I'm glad that you had time to talk with your dad, he sounds like a real rock, a tower of strength and you have taken from him, maybe? When we can look back and remember the good times and celebrate that precious persons life that is good, we can hold onto those, they are precious and always will be. I will remember you in my prayers Dipesh.Please take care.

I am glad to have met you even though it is through our aching hearts. You don;t have to reply but please keep intouch, all who are here do care.

Kind regards

chrissie.
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  #17  
Old May 1st, 2012, 19:29
dipesh747 dipesh747 is offline
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Thank you all for being so kind and sharing your stories. It is indeed very comforting talking to people in a similar situation.
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  #18  
Old May 2nd, 2012, 01:41
beaman beaman is offline
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I like this topic. i'm surprised how much i changed since my mom died 1.5year ago. I'm 25 now.

My mom was my only parent & family and we were very close. She was the center of my life. Now I'm all alone in the world, although I have good friends and I connect with people who understand, e.g. Lamar Odom, Steve Jobs, Ronald Mallett(a physicist try to build time machine in order to meet his father again), and of course people in grief forums.

Before, I just wanted to succeed in a common way(money, social status, etc.) for my mom. Now I don't really care about these things. Being constantly confused generally, I just want to read and learn what the world truly is. My life plan is simply to do something I find interesting. I do things by following my heart on a daily basis. I care less about other people's expectations. I'm not very afraid of being embarassed. I'm anti-social, imoral and psychopathic a litte bit, which is under control (Not that I would hurt others' lives).

I usually find people in school (except my friends) boring so I'm quite a loner. But I feel comfortable when i'm alone. Deep grief hits me every once a while, and I'm changed forever in general.
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