Newbie here... struggling with feelings

[hollywood]

Hi, I'm holly. I'm 19 and I joined this forum recently. My emotions are all over the place . I have lost two friends and one family relative while at college. My college friend James was in his first year when he passed away october 2009. He was always on a permanant breathing (ventilator) machine in his wheelchair. At the time I knew him, although for a short time, he made a difference to my life. He would always make an effort to say hi or chat to me, even as I felt so depressed and worthless. He brought a ray of sunshine to my dark, depressed days, always talked to me when nobody else seemed to bother - and others still don't!

Then suddenly we lost him - I lost a great friend. The last time I saw him we were passing in the corridor on Oct. 8th 2009. We exchanged 'hi, how are you' conversations then, for some reason I had an awful thought that he might not be around for much longer because of his vulnerability. Not wanting (I was too scared) to broach the subject with him, I kept quiet and let him pass me. I couldn't stop thinking about it though - I swore to myself that I'd go and talk to him to make the most of our friendship while he was alive.... I never got this opportunity as on Sunday 11th oct 2009, just as I was thinking about going to see him.... i was told he'd gone... passed away october 10th 2009 - due to illness he stopped breathing.... Oh the pain - I flppin well am still in emotional agony, it just hit me, y'know - why, how etc - I am missing him and my Aunty Pam and Harry Marshall, who had duchenne muscular dystropy soooo much. The pain feels unbearable tonight and I feel so desperate and helpless. My Christian faith does help but I have no college chaplain to go to at the moment. I also find it very difficult to talk to people face to face. Please help. In need of comfort, hugs and support.

Hope someone replies soon.

Love Holly xxx