my husband has commited suicide

[kayla]

not sure what i'm doing here. but as nothing i do, feels right i'll try anything. my husband has gone and its taking my breath away. we had a temporary break and he said he couldnt live without me and he meant it. he died on my birthday 3 days ago. i would have never left him forever i know we would have worked it out, we always did. he was the other half of me. how do i live with the guilt of causing my husbands death. i know everyone says its not my fault, but if i hadnt left he would still be here.

[Morbius5]

Hi Kayla

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. But I do think people are right when they say it isn't your fault. I know it probably feels like even if it were your fault, people's politeness would prevent them from saying so anyway, but I still think they're right.

People ultimately make their own decisions in life. Your husband made his own decisions. It isn't a case of if you hadn't left he would still be here, there is more to it than that, the truth is if he hadn't made the decision he made and taken the action he took, THEN he would still be here. He isn't not here anymore because you split up temporarily, he isn't here because he chose to leave in the manner in which he did.

You obviously left for a reason, but you didn't leave with the intention of causing what has now happened. If you broke up often and always worked it out in the end, then your husband knew that as well as you did. If you broke up and made up before how were you to know what happened would happen on this occasion? Many people tell others they cannot live without them, either because they mean it in some sense or as a means of holding on to them and making them feel guilty, but that doesn't automatically mean they will carry things through in this way, and you weren't to know that he would.

Guilt is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one and we all feel it even if our actions have no bearing whatsoever on an event. Whilst you are feeling guilty now, you will probably soon feel angry, first at yourself and then probably at your husband for doing what he did and especially at the time he chose to do it. This too is natural and to be expected after such a loss.

This website is really helpful - it's actually a pet loss website but it's descriptions of the stages of grief for loss and how you might feel at each stage I found really comforting. Just replace the word 'pet' with 'person' and it makes a lot of sense:

http://www.pet-loss-matters.com/stages-of-grief.html

You WILL get through this but you should expect to feel guilt and anger because it's natural to feel that way but also because ultimately it sounds as though what your husband did was very selfish and the timing was designed to make you feel as guilty as possible. The timing may have been a coincidence but if it was it was a very unfortunate one. But you are not responsible for his actions and I hope as time passes you come to realise this. You are not the cause of your husband's death, his actions were the cause of his death.

I hope this helps.


Morbius

[starlight]

Kayla,

It has been two years since my ex took his own life.We were also on a break.The problems had to be resolved before we could move back in together etc. I told him we would get back together once the problems were resolved. I told him i still loved him and wanted us to get back together again and he still did what he did and left me and his son behind.
I blamed myself for not putting up with the problems and thinking if i just put up with things and stayed it would not have happened but i now feel that it would have happened regardless.
Lots of people split up/have breaks from partners and do not do this.
I miss him so much and he's on my mind every day,but now it's mostly the precious happy memories that come back to me...i laugh,i smile,i cry

I still have bad days and can be hard on myself but try and be strong and know you are not alone.

[barb23]

Dear Kayla

My husband of 31 years took his life.I was in another room when he pulled the trigger. The memories of that day are so vivid.One year and 2days ago,and I miss him so terribly.I had no idea anyrthing was wrong.