Hi hazeharris, thank you again for your wise words, they are true. Both my parents tried for a boy but ended up with 6 girls with one already with them in heaven thus leaving 5 girls, I being the last born. It was a house full of laughter and joy and tears of course but I never imagined this time coming, and looking at our house now it is empty. I thought I'll be scared to be in that house as it felt so empty but I am ok, I am more than ok, I feel safe in that house, it was a home, it's a home. Yes, mom loved holidays especially Christmas, we used to shop together and she loved going to church on Christmas morning, she looked forward to Christmas. Last year was the first Christmas , the first New Year's celebration without her and I just sat there crying, crying, crying - remembering how she loved New Year's celebration and how she made sure we went shopping for all the goodies for children in the house and everything else. That was the first and the loneliest holiday celebration and I am praying to be able to cope this time around. I understand that some people are oblivious to grief because at some point we were like that but now we know better in that we will see our loved ones in heaven. I have a video clip that I took of my mom when she visited her mothers' grave and she was praying, I always go to that video to see her and other pics of her and I have the most beautiful pic of her (her latest) and I look at that and wonder what she felt as it was near her time and yet she looked so beautiful and smiling and fresh, without us knowing and without any sign that she will leave soon, I then ask myself, how does a body shut down like that. How did she become so sick that she lost her life, even in her ICU bed she looked so beautiful, just as I know her. I guess all those questions and more I will ask when I see her but I will carry her love and try with each day to be happy in her memory and be happy with my son. It might take longer for all of us to heal completely but I know with each day we take it is step closer to healing.
Stay blessed and I too will pray for you.