Oh, this must be such an awful time for you. The anniversary of a week that you wished never happened, yet a week you will never forget. My thoughts are with you as you make your way through this saddest of sad times.
And I sure can relate to the part about not achieving much. Heck, sometimes just getting out of bed is achievement enough when you feel this way!
I found that when Shaun died, I had the shock of his death to sort of cushion me from the reality and the grief. Then as acceptance slowly starting taking over, I sure wasn't prepared for those aftershocks! Wow, out of the blue like an arrow through the heart. "Oh my God! He's really gone!"
I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. You know, perhaps all these ladies you're encountering lately are sensing your loneliness but also sensing that you may not have your full heart in it yet. Perhaps there's a hesitance in your soul that is telling them more than what you think you're showing them on the outside. Maybe a bit like an unintentional mixed message.
Do you have a good buddy, male or female, that you can have fun with from time to time? Just someone to hang out with? If not, perhaps you could find someone to be pals with, someone that you really get along with and click with. Not on a girlfriend/boyfriend level, but just someone you can enjoy yourself with. You need to laugh! You need to escape once in a while from the day-to-day grind and just have a good time, no matter how short it is. When you're alone all the time or only working and never "playing," life can seem pretty depressing indeed.
Even a penpal type of friendship can be great. I've made some awesome friends that way, and eventually met most of them. And when we met in person, we already knew we liked each other because we had shared so much over the time we had chatted together.
Cyber hugs to you, kiddo. We're all here for you and wish so much that we could make your burden during this painful time a bit easier to bear. I'm sending prayers your way too.
"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown