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Confused88 September 17th, 2012 07:36

Does grief make us more vulnerable?
I think it did to me. I recently noticed how changed I am. I used to be pretty though-skinned and didnīt mind peopleīs opinions or critics so much.

It changed so much when my father died. I feel that much hurt inside, i canīt take anymore. I am much more influenced by upsetting life events than I was before. I feel like an animal being stripped off its fur.

I feel like shutting off to hurtfull life events makes me shut off from my grief and I donīt want that anymore. Itīs like I canīt pick which things I let get to me and which I donīt. This is really difficult because my mom is an alcoholic
and I used to be pretty good at remaining unhurt by her sometimes very unpredictable behaviours. Also, I feel like I need warmth at this time, but itīs unsafe to open up to her to receive and give this. :/

Lottie September 17th, 2012 10:59

Sorry to hear of the loss of your father and that you're having such a rough time. I think you're right and it does make us more vulnerable.. emotional levels are already so high that it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge, that is completely natural and i'm sure you're not alone. But I also think, long term maybe.. that grief will make you stronger... you will have gone through one of the worst things you can.. and occasionally for me it gives me a sense of bravery I suppose.. in facing other things that once seemed so devastating.. but now seem very trivial... if that makes sense.
Know that you will always have someone here on this forum to talk to, everyone is always here for each other.
Lottie x

j's daughter September 17th, 2012 14:25

I don't know if it is grief that changes us, or time, or an accumulation of life events. We do change as we go through life, sometimes happily, sometimes in the black depths of despair and loneliness and loss.

I do believe that if we keep on through the dark times, tiny step after tiny step, we eventually will come into the light, and we will be able to look back and help someone else still trying to make it through the darkness. That's what we are here for.

I agree with Lottie, Confused88. If you are looking for comfort and warmth, you have a good chance of finding it here, where there are others who share your experience with loss.

Sadly, it sounds to me as if instead of being able to give you the warmth and support you need just now, Confused88, your Mom needs your help and understanding and support. You might think you don't have it in you to provide that to her, and maybe it isn't the way life should be, but there it is. Whatever you can do for Mom, please do it. You will be a stronger person for it. And your Mom will appreciate you being there for her, even if she seems angry and hurtful now.

Perhaps take from us what we can offer: a bit of understanding, a bit of support. We can listen. We'll offer the warmth we can while you work through the pain of losing your Dad. And you, in your turn, be there as and when you can for your Mom. She sounds lost, too. Maybe for a different reason. For Mom, it is the loss of life as Mom once knew it because of alcoholism. For you, it is loss of the life you knew with your Dad. Loss of being able to depend on Dad. Loss either way. Loss for both of you.

There is no need to put yourself in harm's way, to accept as truth anything that alcohol makes Mom say. But if I have learned only one thing since my Mom died, I have learned that almost everyone hurts about something. We're meant to be here for each other, or else what are we here for? For as much as we can, let's help each other.

I am sorry for the loss of your precious Dad. Sorry for the difficult time you are having now. I wish for you peace and strength and the warmth you seek. You are in my thoughts, Confused88. I care.

Confused88 September 17th, 2012 17:08

jīs daughter, my mother has been an alcoholic for all my life, iīm in therapy and thereīs something called co-dependency that is when children take care of their alcoholic parents.
it does good to noone and it is not ok or helpfull to let myself be emotionally abused by my mother and just accept that or expect me to take care of her.
if iīd do that, it would be my task for life. and i will never find a life of my own but will be in the endless circle of feeling sorry for, being mad at, and still not able to help my mom. i suffered from anorexia, wanting to control something to even out what i did not have control over, how my mother treated me and drank.
i canīt make her become healthy. I tried, believe me. But noone can "make" an aloholic healthy. itīs their choice to seek treatment or not and itīs not my task to take care of her and support her harmfull behaviour.
it happens more than often that children become the parents when the parent is an alcoholic. But this is not right and shouldnīt be encouraged.
instead, the alcoholic needs to do therapy and work out their issues, while the child needs therapy to undo the harm that has been done and learn how to cope with the parent. and thatīs definently not taking responsibility for the alcoholic parent.

j's daughter September 17th, 2012 20:04

I agree you need not subject yourself to abuse from Mom or anyone, Confused88. I also agree someone with alcoholism cannot be made healthy by someone else - it has to start with the person who has the disease seeking help. Some are not able to take that step.

My brother was an alcoholic - he died from the disease many years ago - so I know a little bit about alcoholism, what it does to the person who has it, and to the people who love the person with alcoholism. The hardest thing I had to accept was that even though I loved him, I couldn't save my brother from himself.

I agree that a child, even an adult child, need not put herself in a position of danger, a position to be drawn down by an alcoholic parent. As I said, I see no need for you to put yourself in harm's way, no need for you to accept abuse from Mom or anyone.

I'm not suggesting that it's ok for you to be emotionally hurt any longer by alcoholism.

I also understand that Mom's behaviour, as hurtful and destructive as it has been and still may be, hurts her as much as it has hurt you. For one thing, it has cut her off from you, her daughter. Alcoholism cut my brother off from his family, from work, from life finally.

Your Mom is in a prison that is so very difficult to break out of. I only am concerned that you not be trapped there by too heavy a load of hurt and anger. Your Mom has lost the years when she might have been ... well, your Mom. She has lost the chance to be your comfort now. I can't imagine anything sadder for her than that. And I can understand your pain at not having the Mom you should have had.

I feel a sadness for you both, and a hope that you both will have the help you need to find your way. Please continue to talk to us here. There are people here who do understand.

heavenlygirl September 18th, 2012 18:12

I think grief makes us more sensitive in general, almost the antithesis of what we were before. Cut yourself a break and realize that most have not walked a mile in your shoes and that you are certainly entitled to the way that you feel, without apology. And trust that it does get better.

cal821 September 10th, 2017 11:40

bump up for a re- read

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