sometimes, it's just too much.
This is my story..
My name in Olivia and I am 17 years old. I lost my best friend 9 months ago. We were unseperable, so close and I depended on her more than anything. She knew me so well, I trusted her so much. She was diagnosed with leukemia when we were 14, and this made us so much closer. I did everything possible, I tried to be the best friend I knew how. I travelled to the hospital which was 6 hours away, as many weekends as I could. I just hated being away from her, and knowing she was battling it on her own. There was never a thought in my mind that she wasn't going to be okay, in my mind she was going to beat it, and that was it. There was no other option. That was until January 13th, 2008. The worst day of my life, my worst nightmare come true. I was with her when she died, I held her hand and watched her rosy red cheeks change to cold and white and clammy. She was in the ICU at the time, with soo many tubes going in to her. She was sedated and looked nothing like herself. It was soo awful, i have nightmares everynight. I stood next to her bed, watching her die and there was nothing I could do about it. I feel as if I have yet to go through grieving, I experience bits and pieces of it when I can do nothing but scream and cry from the pain that rips at my heart.. but i feel as I am surviving in shock mode. It isn't real to me, and i feel like people expect me to be over it since it has been 9 months. People think I am okay, becuase I get up and go to school every morning. But I'm not, I just want to sleep all the time I am often angry, anxious.. confused and hurt. I feel like no one understands. It is hard to be 17 without a best friend to share secrets with, sneak out and have fun with.. go to parties with.. it is hard not having her, it is too much. Living without her feels impossible; like living in a world without any air.
I have recently had this fear that is developing. I get really nervous and scared when anyone leaves.. my boyfriend.. parents.. sisters. whenever they go anywhere I am scared they will die and I will be left all alone. Unable to cope. It is getting worse and worse, and I am starting to get panick attacks. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone, so hurt, and soo lost.
I just can't do it without her</3
i miss her sooooo much
Please talk to someone...
Hi there beautiful tragedy,
I am very sorry to hear your story. Your friend knows that you were the perfect best friend and still are. She (I assume) would not wish for you to be feeling this way and if you asked for her advice would say exactly the same as me I expect.
To me it seems that you need to find some help with this. I do hope that you will seek some help at school, through your boyfriend or freinds, or family. You must let someone know that you feel this way. It is not being selfish or indulgent. You would listen to them and they will want you to talk to them. This is the tricky bit though. People are not very good at knowing you are not okay if you do not show that you are not okay. Of course it is easier to hide your feelings because it is not nice to feel cut up all the time and people don't seem to know what to say - but sometimes they don't have to say much - you just have to talk.
So, a pattern begins to emerge. You look as though you are managing well so that is what people think. As you are falling apart inside anyway, you may as well show it... it is actually a lot less tiring and effortful to let it all out than to keep it all in - I don't mean easier by that.
The feelings that you are expressing are wholly normal and if you must find the courage to talk to someone and tell them what you have told us as this seems to have become a bit 'ugly monster-ish'. This will not go away on its own.
Use this site to post back any messages and I will look out for them and reply. Good luck.
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