Moving On Is Impossible
I'm not sure what I will get for posting here and I don't imagine any responses, but I suppose it may make me feel better for writing it all down.
Basically I lost my partner and daughter many years ago (I am now 36) both to different events in my late teens/early 20's.
I've never got over it but this time of year is so hard. My town has the turning on of the Christmas Lights tonight and seeing all those people and families making their way there has just hit me, like it does every year.
I've had two brief relationships since, but they were disasters and nothing like what I had before.
I have, for the majority of the umpteen years, been able to be quite unemotional when it comes to moving on with another partner, but recently I came across a new lady that stuck in my head from the moment I met her. We never really talked as she is shy and i'm very shy, but I felt a huge chemistry. She then disappeared and I was left disappointed that I didn't have the courage to say anything. Then a couple of days ago I thought I saw her, with a man. I'm not sure it was her, it was dark and it was at an angle, but it's hit me hard. She's too good for me anyway, but the possible sighting of her with someone has just upset me. Maybe it's someones way of telling me it's wrong to move on. Sort of like cheating on my partner who passed away.
I guess I will never be able to move on, no lady likes me enough and I don't envisage that I ever will be so lucky. It just makes me wonder what i'm living for, it's not like anybody would come here and seek support if I were to pass away.
If it sounds like i'm feeling sorry for myself, I am. I've made some small strides this year, but the moving on thing is the same as it always has been - impossible. I just don't want to be on my own anymore, but I don't think I have any choice.
It's okay to feel sorry for yourself once in a while
I'm glad you decided to share your thoughts and feelings about the devastating loss of both your partner and daughter, and my heart goes out to you. That's why I joined this forum too. Although friends and family may be comforting, only someone who has gone through this truly knows how utterly lost and alone we can feel at times ... yes, and full of despair too.
It sounds as if you are being pretty hard on yourself, though. Deep, deep down, I hope you know that you are worthy, you are deserving, and you are a wonderful person who has so much to give AND receive in this world.
Forming new relationships is hard enough as it is, especially if you're shy, and feeling even the slightest twinge of guilt that you are somehow betraying your loved one who passed on must make it even harder. if the roles were reversed, though, would you want your surviving partner to be unable to love anyone else ever again? I doubt you would want that person to feel guilty either or let the loss of the physical presence of you in their life totally destroy any chance of feeling love or joy with another human being ever again. In fact, you would probably want to kick their butt! :)
No new relationship will ever be the same as the one you had with that special person, I agree. Plus, you are a different person now too. Experiencing such a major loss does affect us profoundly in so many ways. It can also cause us to question almost everything in our lives, and each of us deals differently with the answers we find. And some of the answers never come at all.
But you are worthy and capable of loving and being loved by someone else. It may be scary because you can still risk losing that person, and their loss hurts worse when you become deeply attached to them. Some of us never allow ourselves to love again. We build a protective wall around our hearts because we fear experiencing the possible pain and grief of losing someone all over again. We're all pretty fragile that way, I think.
I'm glad you shared. Just think of all the people you may have helped by this post without even knowing it. I bet there are a few who thought, "Wow, that's how I feel too." And that is how you help people.
You're a good writer and communicator, and I'd be delighted to see more of your posts.
Hi Marjatta, thanks for replying.
I agree, only someone who has been through this can truly understand. People often take others for granted and I feel like telling them all - don't!
I don't have any family that I am close too. I do speak to some family members, but we are not close and nobody ever mentions my partner/daughter although they also no longer pester me to find someone else. Small mercies and all that.
I am very hard on myself, possibly because I rarely get any positives or any appreciation. I like myself as a person, I really do, I just don't see why anybody would want me again. I'm very shy, I always have been but more so these days, traumatised as i'm often described. I work for charities and give so much of my time to helping others. It's just a shame no-one ever helps me, or listens to me, which is why your reply means alot to me.
I understand what you say about the roles being reversed. We did actually speak about death before she died. It was an unexpected death, but we had both lost loved ones before, so we discussed that if either of us were left alone we'd move on one day and find someone worthy. I have tried, but ended up in relationships where I just wanted to help the other person and they ended up using me until they got back on their feet. So, yes I know she'd want me to move on, but I just find it so hard. I'm not someone who gets offers all the time, apparently I have a leave me alone aura about me and i'm not the most perfect looking person either. I have had women interested, but they tend to me all women with quite deep problems and i've been there and got used before.
I am scared of losing someone again. I gave up on human relationships and got cats - I lost some of them when they started ageing and that hurt too. I just wish I didn't have emotions. I also find women aren't very patient with me. I'm happy to wait for the right person, but i'm scared she will never find me and i'll never find her. If I do like someone, I fall over my words. I've met someone I quite like, but can't say anything - guilt over moving on, feeling inadequate to the lady i've met and basically not knowing how to approach it. She may not even know I exist in that way and I don't want to be rejected.
I hope people have read this and felt like my emotions and feelings feel similar to theirs. I'm not very good with people who have lost loved ones either, even though I know how it feels. I understand how people don't know what to say.
Thanks again for your reply. I felt when I posted that i'd be ignored just like in real life where people don't really take any notice. It means alot that you took the time to reply.
Hi there, IFeelHopeless!
I apologize for the long delay in responding ... I had forgotten that I needed to turn on the subscription option.
Well, one thing I must say is that you certainly don't have a "leave me alone" aura on the printed page. I think you sound very open, honest, and expressive, and it's hard not to like you! And congrats on working so hard with charities ... that is an absolutely wonderful thing to be doing.
I know what you mean about the cat situation. I lost one of mine recently too, and he was my constant companion. That was difficult, even though he was just a pet. Any loss of someone you love is hard, to say the least.
Often when we lose our loved ones, we become more sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. It's almost as if we've learned how very precious life is and that we are all connected. Perhaps the ladies you're attracting (or are attracted to) are those who are a bit needy.
Plus, if we don't feel all that great about ourselves to begin with, we may feel more secure with someone who seems to like themselves even less and needs us so desperately to lift them up. The problem with that, as you said, is that once they feel better and are on top of the world again, it's bye-bye because they no longer need to rely on our strength to get them through.
You deserve an equal partner. You deserve to be loved 110% for exactly who you are, not what you think others might want you to be.
I met my beloved partner on an Internet dating site. Both of us had just experienced very difficult breakups with our respective exes, so the last thing we wanted was to date. The site we met on was also for talk/email, sort of like penpals in a way. Anyway, we became absolutely best friends over a period of time because we truly liked each other for who we were, and we didn't give a damn about "putting our best shirt on." Neither of us had anything to lose.
Well, as fate would have it, we fell in love anyway! LOL I will miss him until the day I die.
Okay, enough of my rambling! It was great to hear from you, and let us know how it's going for you ... we are always here to listen.
First and foremost, I am sincerely sorry for your lose..It has been awhile since you have been on here and I hope that means you dont feel as hopeless anymore...We tend to let the grief take over our body and soul..but we have to be strong and find ways to release our sorrow and empty feelings..I wish I could tell you how to do it and everything would be fine, but everyone is different when it comes to overcoming these painful but beautiful memories..This site has helped me just in the past couple days..For me its understanding why I am feeling the way I do and everyone that has posted on here has helped me open my heart up just a little more each day..It's okay to be shy and if you look back on the ladies you have dated you found they weren't what you were looking for..dont be so hard on yourself..
Be kind to yourself,
Thanks Marjatta and Patrice for your replies. I shall reply in the next few days when this depressing time of year is over, but wanted to wish you both a Merry Christmas.
I hope you got through Christmas Day okay.
We're all thinking of you!
I find it easier to write things down than say something to someone's face. I'm very quiet and have always had negative responses regarding my losses so I tend to keep quiet now. I've learnt nobody wants to know or cares.
I'm hoping the charity work brings me some confidence, something that I lack so much of. At the same time I'm hoping that I'm helping those in need.
I'm sorry you lost a cat too. They do become good companions and unlike most humans, want little and accept you for who you are.
I do attract needy women, when I actually attract one. That has been my downfall I think. As you say, when they get stronger they tend to say goodbye as they don't need me anymore. I just don't have the confidence to believe I could get somebody confident - why would they want me?
That's great to hear about how you met your partner and the way it has worked out. I'd not have confidence to even join something like that. When they met me, they'd end up disappointed. If I sound down on myself, I am. I'd love to be cared about again, I just can't see it ever happening.
I hope you had a nice Christmas and have a nice 2012 :)
Unfortunately I always feel hopeless. I'm very shy and quiet that even speaking to someone can be a problem sometimes as I fear saying the wrong thing. People just think i'm a bit quiet and see no reason for me to have no confidence and are very surprised when they learn I have none.
You're right, the ladies I have found aren't what i've been looking for, but I don't think i'll ever find what i'm looking for again. I've had my chance, sadly.
I hope you had a nice festive period and hope you have a great New Year :)
Well, today is the anniversary of my partners accident. Friday is the day of her passing.
Tried doing many things today. Didn't manage to achieve much. I do keep meeting ladies I like, but don't like me (in that way). I'm wondering if my loneliness is making me like ladies more because I don't want to be alone anymore?
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