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woman of wonder June 27th, 2013 12:04

still angry 9 years after mums death
Hi Everyone this is my first post. I am worried about still being stuck in the anger stage of grief so long after my mum passed away. We lost our beautiful, fit and healthy mum to a brain aneurysm in 2004 she was 47 years old. I did not let myself breakdown at the time of her death as I felt very strongly she needed me to look after my two younger sisters, my Dad and my Gran.
I am angry that she was taken from us in her prime, her kids had all grown up and she had time to herself for the first time, she was going to the gym, she looked her best and had lost a lot of weight.
I am devastated she never got to meet my two lovely daughters who she would have adored and would have got so much happiness from them. She never met my partner either who I met a year after her death.
I sometimes find accepting the reality of death, the fact the people we love can just disappear so cruel (even though I am a nurse, surrounded by death and suffering).
I hear people complaining about their mothers and especially older people who still have their mums and I feel so bitter.God I sound so childish I barely recognise myself anymore I wake up angry and Im so irritable with my nearest and dearest.
Any advice/ support would be appreciated, Thank you for reading xx

j's daughter June 27th, 2013 13:25

Woman of Wonder, hello. And welcome to the forum.

I am sorry for your loss. First thing to know, nine years later you are well within the timeframe to be starting to grieve if you didn't earlier. Seems like life got in the way, and you put your own grief on hold until you had time to get around to it.

I lost my Mom in 2010. All the rest of my family is gone, too. I most acutely miss my Mom, since we'd got close during her last three years. She had dementia, and I was primary caregiver to the end. I'm too familiar with loss.

I know others will also respond to your post here. We're each of us at varying stages of the grief journey. Yours seems to have been a bit delayed, but you still will walk the path like the rest of us.

Support you will have here. We encourage you to talk, to tell us what you want to tell about your mother. And we listen.

Advice? Difficult to say because I don't know where you are on the journey. In some ways, you're at the beginning, as if your mother were gone yesterday. In other ways, you've moved forward, having children, meeting your partner after your Mom's death. Complicated.

There are some people here, myself included, who truly believe those who've gone on ahead still somehow know what our lives are now. I still write to my Mom, tho' she's gone these three years. Not as often as I did right after she died, but I still "talk" to my Mom, and update her, and ask her advice.

That might be a starting point for you. Can you find a bit of time to sit down and write a long letter to your Mom? Pour out your feelings and thoughts, tell her what's happened in the time since she's been gone? It might sound a bit odd, but it might also be a starting point, a release for you. You needn't show the letter to anyone. It's just something between mother and daughter.

Others here might have some additional thoughts for you. Know that you are not alone.

You will be in my thoughts.

woman of wonder June 27th, 2013 15:17

Thank you so much J's daughter for taking the time to write to me, it helped greatly I really appreciate it. I will try to write a letter, I think its time for me to face things. Just being heard and understood has made me feel lighter already,
thanks again you are very kind xx

j's daughter June 28th, 2013 09:17

Glad to hear you are giving yourself time to grieve now, Woman of Wonder. If you put this off while you cared for others, and got through the day to day you had to get through in life, the loss would still be there, the grief would still be there. Just pushed down inside waiting for a chance to come out.

You've a lot of catching up to do, so I imagine that letter will be a long one. I meant last time to suggest you be ready for the tears that will come, are now pretty close to the surface, I would imagine. You might want to have a box of tissues at hand while you think and write.

How are your sisters doing now? Are they a support to you now? I hope you have family around you. It helps. Are you able to talk to your family about your mother? Share happy memories?

I'm curious to know what you see of your Mom in yourself. I am finding that the older I get, the more of my mother comes through me. I wonder if others have that same experience?

Anyway, well done to start your remembering and grieving now. It's no less painful for being years after. The loss is still there, I know.

I hope you and your family are there for each other now.

tom-fisherman July 2nd, 2013 04:51

Shalom (peace) in Yeshua Woman of wonder and welcome to the forum.
I am sorry to hear that the death of your mum is still causing you so much anger and pain. Know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted.

The feelings you are having are quite normal so don't be so hard on yourself. I suspect that you didn't know how to grieve for her and bottled it all up inside resulting in these feelings continuing for so long.

My sister Chris has given you good advice. I just wanted to encourage you to try and talk to your mum like she was in the next room to you, as we are taught that our loved ones can still hear us. Doing this really helps. It is also important to talk to others about the way you feel. If you feel awkward doing that with your friends and family then do it here. We will always listen and respond to you.

May God bless you

woman of wonder July 17th, 2013 03:35

Hi Jannie's daughter, sorry for the late reply. Yes I have written my mum a letter which was a good experience I felt it helped me reconnect with her, I take time now to imagine her presence is still near me, which is very comforting. When I was telling her about my life I couldn't shake the feeling that she already knew. Do you still feel your mother is near to you sometimes?
I am very close to one of my sisters and we talk about my mum alot not really about our grief though. My youngest sister who was only 20 when my mum died has really distanced herself from the family she has a good career in London and appears to dedicate all of her time to that. I do worry about her because we had always been very close and I really miss her. She rarely visits never phones and we get the occasional email or text. When she does visit it is a bit strained. We don't get a chance to really talk.
Yes I agree with you about seeing more of my mum in myself the older I get and certainly becoming a mother myself, its really amazing.
It's interesting your user name is Jannie's daughter, that is something I find comforting that even though my mum is gone I will always be 'Janice's daughter'.
Thanks again for your kind support xx

woman of wonder July 17th, 2013 03:42

Thank you so much Tom for your kind words and prayer. You are right I have found comfort imagining my mum is still around, it took a while for me to remember what her presence felt like, I went back to happy times when we were together and imagined her like that,
Thank you
All the best x

j's daughter July 17th, 2013 08:37

Hi Woman of Wonder,

I'm glad you took the time to write to your mother. Does it ease the ache of loss just a little? It needn't be a one-time thing, if you find comfort in the writing. I still write to my Mom almost three years after her death. Still somehow think she would want to stay up on things.

In early days after her death, when I was desperate to still have a connection with my Mom, I would write to her and sit in the quiet waiting for an answer. Quite often I could imagine what she would say to the bits I wrote her. Sometimes I got what I called "understanding Mom," sometimes I got the sense of her voice in my head, telling me to "get over yourself get on with it!" And yes, I most definitely feel my Mom is here with me at times. Sort of checking in, just to reassure herself I am okay.

Twice I smelled her perfume. Once in her bedroom, which is now my room, and once in the living-room. Just a very fleeting scent that lasted only seconds. It's common, as I understand it. I guess at times, especially in early days, we so wish them back that our loved ones make their presence known briefly. It's as if they say, "I'm still here when you need me. Now get on with your day."

Your relationship with your sisters ... it's good you have someone to talk to about your Mom. Even if you don't talk out your grief with the one sister, it's good you can talk about the good times, that you have shared memories.

And I can understand the relationship with the younger sister. My family is gone now, except for a younger sister who lives about 15 minutes away from me. Long ago - almost 20 years ago - she left the family and didn't look back. She wasn't here during our Alzheimer years. I knew to not even ask her for help with that. Knew to not bother her with the information that Mom her mother had died. My Mom ached for the loss of her daughter, of course, and for my sister's daughter, that Mom helped raise. And then when the dementia took over, Mom forgot she ever had another daughter, or a grandchild. That grandchild wrote and sent little gifts to her Grandma for a while, but when I wrote a thank you card once to let her know that Grandma could no longer write back due to the dementia, we never heard from her again. Sometimes, families are like that.

I had to respect my sister's right to leave, and always felt it was her loss more than my Mom's. I had all the good years with Mom. Sis lost out on those years. Her daughter, now an adult, lost out on having a Grandma who doted on her.

People just handle things differently, I guess. Have different priorities.

Your younger sister is doing what she knows how to do, dealing with life as she knows how to deal with it. If you get only the occasional contact with her, you might want to respond, even briefly, just to keep the door open. There might come a time when she needs you, needs family.

We will always be our mother's daughter, no matter our Moms are not here. I always think, if I'm not Jannie's daughter, then whose? That settles the matter, doesn't it?

I'm glad you posted. I wondered if you were okay. I'm glad you've opened your heart to the loss you have to work through. Grief delayed is grief that must be addressed one day. A few more conversations with Mom will set you on the right track, and you will move forward once again.

Well done, to have made a beginning!

SilverVoice April 16th, 2014 10:46

Dear (((((((Woman of Wonder))))))),

Even though time has passed by since the passing of your dear Mother, of course you still feel very upset over her loss. This is natural, dearest. Life has its troubles and surprises that we do not ever anticipate happening to us. But when such things come our way we must know and realize that it is due to our not owning ourselves. We are the property of God, our Creator and Heavenly Father. As such He is in full control of our life and when He is ready to receive us once again in His kingdom He will call us home. That all happens at our appointed time and though we wish it were different, a person's passing is actually a part of natural life itself.

Yes, it is hard to overlook those many others who still have their Mothers living and who speak about them. But again, no one lives forever in this world and everyone has their date of departure, of that there is unfortunately no escape.

But you must think back on the great and truly wonderful times you surely had with your Mother. The things you did together and the most wonderful memories of your childhood with her. Those are treasured memories that are yours and that no one can ever take away from you. You can rest assured that your dear Mom will live forever in your heart and is as close to you as spirit can be. For we truly never lose those whom we love and who love us.

May God bless you as you continue your own personal walk in life and may He guide you to your true destiny with a copious amount of added blessings.

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