A few thoughts.
I lost my mother to suicide when I was 6 years old, my father to multiple-organ failure when I was 19. I do consider that I was lucky to lose him at 19 as he had a major heart attack 4 years before, and we were warned by the Doctors at that time that he would most likely not make it through the night Ė he certainly did not want to give up that easily.
Although my mothers death occasionally upsets me, it is my fathers which has had the major impact on my life since. Nobody knows why mum did what she did, there was no note, no reason Ė one minute there, the next minute gone. Do I hate her for it, no; can and will I ever understand it....no.
My dads death deeply affected me, and it still troubles me today, although seeing as itís only been five years and I see comments on this forum from people who lost their loved ones many decades ago, it is evident that these emotions will stay with me forever. It was many years before I truly accepted his death. I was never sure whether I had, but when it finally hit me, wow, it was without question the toughest year of my life. Itís funny, I thought I had got over his death, but in reality I had been hiding from it the entire time, but you cannot hide forever, you cannot keep yourself distant from your emotions, one way or another, they will always come out.
Now that year has been and gone,I feel more at peace; but I still struggle with some aspects of his death. I hate having to talk about it, to be honest, I havenít spoke to someone about it for a long, long time now. I donít even like to mention it to my friends. I had a friend at University, and we were fairly good course mates, but I did not tell him about my parents deaths for over 2 years. Iím not sure why I find it so hard, I do not know if itís because I am ashamed, or maybe it is because it makes me feel very vulnerable and that is not the impression I like to put across. If people ask me a direct question about my parents I will normally tell them, but if I can get away from having to do that I will try. Maybe itís just the awkwardness of the whole conversation I hate.
Iím pretty good day to day with the whole thing. I accept the fact that this is the situation I, and my brother and sisters, are in, and the best I can do is to get on with life. But every now and again, anniversaries of deaths, special occasions, seeing the extended family (who live in another country), hearing stories about mum, or dad, or even completely random occasions, like today, where a deep sadness emerges that cannot be shaken, I find it very difficult, and I think I always will.
Just a few thoughts I had today that I felt like sharing.
hi dipesh thankyou for opening up to us all about such a heartbreaking story of the loss of your mum and dad i am so sorry and i can tell its been a very difficult time for you i think we all feel the same saying those words when someone asks us about our loved one in your case your mum and dad its facing the reality with speaking those words we have to say they are gone, died, in heaven, passed away, however you have to say it its very hard so i can understand i would like to write a few words about mum its difficult not knowing the circumstances but suicide is an illness of the mind it attacks logical thinking just like an illness of the liver attacks the body in one way a heart disease attacks the body another way and so on so i know you seem to have dealt with her loss there are no answers to why she did this except she was ill and her mind didn't function in a logical way she is now happy and at peace in heaven and loves you i remember the loss of my dad 10 years after my mother passed away and i had this overwhelming feeling of being alone like an orphan even though i wasn't a child its that safety net of a loving parent being there for us and when its gone we miss them so much and that security of unconditional love from a parent we have to stand alone and rely on our own independence at any age its hard, I gradually filled those chasms in my life as you will we start to build a life for ourselves perhaps with a partner and children of our own or traveling many different avenues and paths are there for us choices to make and that's what our parents bought us up to do find our own place in the world to be as happy as we can be and remember them in heaven with a smile and gratitude they were part of our life i send my love and hope when you come to difficult days which we all do you try and remember just the good times and they will lift you up and give you comfort x
I agree, speaking about it definitely makes you stare reality in the face. Thank you for taking the time to write those kind words, they certainly resonate with me. I have always liked the phrase: we are the sum of our experiences; and our parents provided us with a lot of these. If you believe this phrase, it's easy to think that they therefore live within us.
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